The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebonics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture. According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.
Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?' Shulman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
Shulman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebonics:
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic response: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry?'
Business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic response: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English answer: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"
Email, shmemail! Luck and happiness will or will not come to you regardless if you send it to another eight people
The Jewish Taxi Driver
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from".
She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Mrs. Goldberg comes to visit her son Marvin for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Marvin's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Marvin and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Marvin volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Maria came to Marvin saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear MaMa,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son Marvin
Several days later, Marvin received a response email from his MaMa which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving MaMa
I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel ! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:
1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a 'Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!' button.
2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.
3) The cursor moves from right to left.
4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?'
5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.'
6) It comes with a 'monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.'
7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message.
8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, 'Schloffen.'
9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).
11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault' error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'
12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!'
13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!'
14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.
15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.'
16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM...
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!'
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cooks." He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor."
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews."
Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."
The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE... All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews!"
ISRAELI HUMOR:
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!"
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."
The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech. Israel belongs to us."
On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta , GA , a well
attired middle-aged woman found herself sitting next to a man
wearing a kippa ("yarmulka"in Yiddish).
She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?"asked the attendant.
"You've sat me next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this strange
man. Please find me another seat!"
"Madam, I will see what I can do to accommodate," the
attendant replied, "but the flight is virtually full today and I don't know
if there is another seat available."
The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man
beside her (not to mention the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the attendant returned and said, "Madam, the economy and
club sections are full, however, we do have one seat in First class."
Before the lady had a chance to respond, the attendant continued, "It is
only on exceptions that we make this kind of upgrade,and I had to ask
permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain
felt that no one should be forced to sit next to an unpleasant person..."
The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and
said: "So if you'd like to get your things, Sir, I have a comfortable seat for
you in First class..." At this point, the surrounding passengers stood up and
gave a standing ovation while the Jewish man walked up to the front of
the plane.
The lady then said indignantly, "The Captain must have made a mistake.."
to which the attendant replied, "No Ma'am. Captain Cohen never makes
a mistake!
Why Go to Synagogue?
One Saturday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for synagogue, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to synagogue:
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the rabbi!"
The Picnic A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it.
I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the synagogue. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The rabbi is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the rabbi's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said..
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?"
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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f****** wall."
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife
Has been unfaithful during his time away.
Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alter kakker Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my
Friends are good enough for you?"
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami .
The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat
diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term caused
by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all
have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the
front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a
waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came,
she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half
an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the
Little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now
you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . he gave me a longer cane."
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out
Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the
house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus, the Jaguar and my business.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is
better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to
cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation
was and maybe even apologize.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you
said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner??
Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."
Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming
home."
Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney.
" Sidney , you've been so good to me all these years. I know you never
Even thought about another woman. But now that I'm going, I want you to
marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new
wife all my expensive clothes."
"I can't do that, darling," Sidney said. "You're a size 16 and she's
Only a 10."
A guest, staying in a Catskills hotel called room service for some
pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!"
One Rosh Hashanah morning, the Rabbi noticed little Adam
Was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the
Synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were
mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
The Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning,
Adam." "Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on
The plaque. "Rabbi Resnick, what is this?" Adam asked.
"Well, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Adam's voice was barely audible when he asked:
"Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur service?"
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she
unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns
around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right
behind her and he's good looking as well..
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good
day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow
missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam . if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit when I tell you the price ."
For 30 years every day old Moishe ate at "Abe's Kosher Delicatessen". Old Moishe was an honoured guest and had his own reserved stool at the counter. He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the servers and staff. Abe, the owner loved Moishe too. One day Moishe didn't show at his regular time. Abe was worried a bit as he realized Old Moishe was a widower and lived alone but then got busy and forgot about Moishe's absence.
The next day...no Moishe....now Abe was worried... he phoned Moishe's number and got no answer. He even called a few local hospitals and even called Moishe's daughter in Israel to no avail. Abe couldn't sleep that night wondering what had happened. Next day again no Moishe!
Now Abe was really concerned and just as he was about to call the cops and 911 he glanced out the window and saw Moishe going into "Goldberg's Deli" across the street. Abe took off out the door and raced across the street narrowly missing getting hit by a bus and confronted Moishe just as he was sitting down. Abe screamed, "where the hell have you been! I lost sleep and spent good money phoning around about you and what are you doing here at Goldberg's.....you know he's my worst enemy! Explain to me Moishe!!!!!"
Moishe looked at Abe and said calmly, "settle down Abraham, settle down, you'll be having a heart attack. I'll be telling you what happened okay. I went to the dentist 3 days ago and had one of those root canals. Oy the pain!
The dentist gave me some pills and said:
'Moishe, for a few days eat on the other side'".
Morris (the father) says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice." His son immediately replies: "I will choose my own bride, father." Morris sighs: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter." The son thinks about this only for a split second -then answers: "Well, in that case, yes! OK Dad."
Morris then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your lovely daughter." Bill Gates quickly answers: "No chance! My daughter is too young to get married!" Morris says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates thinks for a while then answers: "Ah well, in that case, yes, that'll be OK with me."
Finally Morris goes to see the president of the World Bank. Morris smiles and says: "I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president." The president hurriedly answers: "Not interested, I already have more vice-presidents than I need." Morris continues smiling: "But . . . this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law." A few seconds pass then the World Bank President answers: "Ah that's interesting, Hmmm .... in that case, well yes, he can start tomorrow."
. .. . .And that is how successful Jews do business.
THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.
14. WASP's leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida
SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
More Jewish Stuff
1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
3. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
4. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living.”
5. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.
6. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy" The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
7. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright?
WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE
The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Russian - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.---
So a man goes to the rabbi and says, "I think my wife is trying to
poison
me."
The Rabbi says,"Let me talk to her."
The next day he goes back to the Rabbi.
The man says, "So new"
The Rabbi replies, " I spoke to her for 3 hours, Take the poison!"
The Shapiro's, a Jewish couple living in New England, won twenty million dollars in the Lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in The Hamptons and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.
They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to New Years brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes".
The old Jewish Catskill comics of vaudeville days, (e.g., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others) never uttered one single swear word in their comedy. Some samples:
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asks, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the e doctor gave him another six months.
The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 until payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that "Won Ton" spelled backward is "NOT NOW".
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales.
A man called his mother in Florida: "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in
38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
